It turns out that you can’t grab a beer without getting yourself analyzed. At least this “study” was conducted by a market research company and not a university like the one about sex and music (see my Oct. 28 blog).

I offer no justification for putting this blog under 24/7. Quite frankly, I am in a 0/7 (read cynical) sort of mood these days, which happens every year around the holidays. Hmmm. Maybe someone can do a study on that.

Back to beer . . .

What I especially liked about this study was its ability to accommodate life’s inconsistencies. Let’s take Budweiser drinkers, for example. “Bud drinkers are sensible, grounded and practical” begins the paragraph on these hearty souls. But just in case there are some outliers, our researchers have also discovered  that “. . . people who prefer Bud can also be very spontaneous . . .” Not just spontaneous. Very spontaneous. Probably after a couple of Buds.

For those who immediately jumped to the conclusion that Bud Light drinkers are Bud drinkers on a diet, take it easy on the analytics. Bud Light drinkers “skew quite different from their more-caloric sibling.” The rest of this is a bit of a head-scratcher. The writer of the article can’t stop himself from reminding us that President Obama chose Bud Light for the famed “Beer Summit,” then goes on to say that while Bud Light drinkers “respect authority . . . [they] can also have frat boy personalities.” Is the writer a Democrat or a Republican? I’m not sure, but I’m leaning toward Monarchist here.

What is a “study” without some solid percentages. Here’s one for you: “People who drink Blue Moon are 105% more likely that the average person to drive hybrid cars.” And apparently 100% more likely that the average person to know nothing about statistics. 105%? Really?

Unlike the Bud – Bud Light dichotomy, Corona and Corona Light drinkers “are busy and energetic people.” How do they determine that? “Corona drinkers do more and see more people in one day than most people see in a week.” What counts in the “do more” category? Taking a shower, getting dressed, making a pot of coffee, taking the kids to school, drinking beer  . . . Unfortunately the article gives us no clues so rather than risk besmirching the reputation of Corona drinkers, don’t embrace this beverage unless you are very, very busy. (If you know what I mean.) Oh, I almost forgot, Corona and Corona Light drinkers are 38% more likely than average to own three or more flat-screen TVs. I am confounded by this news. Who knew?

At least a few of you are thinking to yourselves: What about me? I don’t drink beer at all. Who’s going to analyze me. Never fear. Yes, folks, the study included a category called Abstainers, defined as “those people who refuse to drink beer at all.” You know who you are. But in case you not feeling dismal and insulted yet, the article helpfully points out that Abstainers “honor tradition and authority and prefer a less-hectic lifestyle.” Also known as being an old curmudgeon. Those people are also “50% more likely to call themselves Republican . . .” I guess the other 50% — the beer-drinking 50% — are, uh, Monarchists.

If you want to read about a sexy marine who likes to drink beer (and owns one flat-screen TV), read my book Holding Out for a Hero. You can buy it on Amazon or Barnes & Noble.